What do you do when your bored ?

So I have to come into work all next week and honestly I will be the only person on my floor. WHAT DO I DO??? besides my plan to play hide and go seek with my co-worker who will only be with me wed-Friday, I believe I will find myself doing one thing I tend to do, when I’m bored and alone.
I tend to Google black models....weird...I don’t think so... I just love comparing their features and the poses that make such a great shot!

I wonder even now as I’m writing this, what features do they poses that continues to get them scouted & work... I thought well maybe it’s because there features are so close to those of Caucasian descendants. But then we have models like Alek Wek they look as if they are from our African descendants.


Either way they are beautiful and if I find myself hating its only because they are in the position I wish to be! Isn’t that what’s hating is all about? Basically wanting something the other person has? Jealous emotions, I'm not a repeated offender in the "hating" department.

As they say haters are the motivators, and it definitely makes me want to get out there and get it! Now the question is do I actually get up and go....fortunately I have a pretty dam good career going and i am scared to drop all that for a career when I never know if I will make.

Till then I will continue to Google the other black models and wish to be amongst the search

The Help

Okay I still have older BlackBerry Confessions i have to upload and post on here, but this just happened this morning and now it has my mind swirling. I was talking to a co-worker from another department (about a last minute assignment), and a man comes up to us and asks me a question. However he doesn’t ask the guy sitting next to me who is more than capable in assisting.

So I answered his question, and made the guy sitting next to me finished helping him in what he was looking for. I asked my co-worker from another floor, let’s call him David, "David why does that always happen to me, I could be on the phone, assisting three elder women, juggling a baby, and people will always come up to me! Interrupt or wait for me to assist while my colleague next to me is doing nothing!" he said it a syndrome, which he grabbed my pad off my desk and simply jot down "The Help"

Now my friend is a Caucasian male, he said it’s true the type of people we work with are elderly and Caucasian, they come to me the black girl to take care of their problems. I wonder could that have any truth to it. I know foreigners are the ones to always work hard, and my boss knows if they give me a task it will be executed professionally, but could they really be drawn to me because I am black and thought of as the help?? (Somewhere in the back of their mind)

I always figured everyone knew how lazy my colleague next to me is, and they didn't bother him. But could it really be they all have this “The Help” syndrome which causes them to bypass the white guy and ask the black person for assistance.

Makes you think...please shed some light in a non derogatory way, if you’ve felt drawn to automatically ask a minority for assistance. Could it really be you see them as the help?

I've found my bread crumb!

 

I've lost my way, and think I've found my bread crumb. After attending class tuesday I've felt empowered again! And my mind is back to thinking I've conquered already.

Keeping your mind in state of it already happened its "non fucking negotiable” is a power I've never realized I already practiced. After my accident I couldn't think of any possibilities occurring for me. Now I'm gaining strength confidence lol all in a short period I just needed to hear those words.

It’s like when we know were being foolish but we can't stop, but it’s when someone who may not even know you, comes up and say "hey I sense something isn't right in your life and your doing something you should walk away from". It hits you that moment! The foolishness you knew has just been truly revealed in front of your eyes.

 Basically I've conquered my loneliness completely... not really, but enough to get back to my happy place. I think to myself I will have a boyfriend and he's going to be great then I start seeing all the loving things were going to do. I can't wait! It becomes no longer a want I already have him! how we'll meet, is the mystery.

 Now when I see couples my initial thought isn't "ugh!" More like awww my boyfriend looks better; I can't wait to get to that point. Basically I'm tricking my mind.

Sounds crazy I'm going around thinking my man is better but I feel confident again in my beauty and the fact that there is someone out there that will want the whole world to know that I'm his!

How can you get over loneliness?

Is it possible to be around couples and not wish you were in a relationship? Or on a date and not think how he will propose to you? Can we transition from dating to being single and not having anyone to snuggle flirt with.

 I always felt as if I needed a guy to validate my existence.  I feel like I've grown to be pathetic! I want to be loved desired and cared for. It’s frustrating knowing I'm only a body, something to be used and abuse. But is it me that has allowed it to be this way?

Can I overcome the desire to be held, loved, and wanted?? I'm growing a sadness that can't completely go away with positive thinking. Yes I've told myself I'm happy and tried to show that, but I can flip that emotion at anytime. Things aren't easy when you desire something you never had. I wish things could end in my favor but idk. I honestly need to come to terms with my loneliness. 

Blogging Is Hard Work

I applaud those who actually blog in there spare time. I've started this page in August, look how long it's taken me to come back to you!

I do jot my thoughts down in my blackberry quite often so luckily I canstill share those with you.
Honestly reading back on some of my notes I think i should seriously seek help lol.

Why BlackBerry Confessions

Everyday i'm on the train or the bus and i grab my blackberry and start jotting down thoughts....why idk. Since high school i've been able to express my feelings and thoughts through free writing, and for a while i've been telling myself to get a blog!! so i have a job that sometimes are slow and i can just re-write the confessions of my thoughts on here to share with, who cares to actually sit there and read it.



P.s. The advatar isnt me not until i either set up a photoshoot or find a random photo i can leave up.